Art, where have you gone?
Welcome to month ONE BAJILLION of my creative mental block. It’s an interesting space to be in because I have not felt much inspiration in these last few years for such pursuits as creative expression but I have been trying to reach back to that part of me. For my writing self, I have been burying myself in the labours of word wielders (ooh I love this term I just thought of) with skills I aspire to and who have honestly helped me peel myself up from the pit and move towards the light. Artistic expression after becoming a mother- the love, joy, and ideas- feel like they have simply gone. Vanished into the hole inside me that is total insecurity fused with exhaustion and honestly, grief. I want to be my fullest self and embody my creative spirit but, I don’t really know who that is anymore and every time I try to just lean into the urgings that spring up from the deep well of my being I slam right into total embarrassment, fear and intrusive thought that lead to overthinking spirals of doubt.
You know the likes, I am sure we are all overly familiar with the endless loop of “I love this thing, I am going to share my love for this thing with everyone else….oh god what have I done this thing is so stupid? I am so fucking embarrassed/ashamed. What a pathetic mess and now everyone can see me I am so crap at this thing. That’s it I am NEVER doing it again.”
I have heard it recently described as ‘millennial cringe’. I enjoy that tasty morsel of a phrase even though I don’t agree that total social mortification in the face of the opening of oneself and our vulnerable thoughts to the world is strictly reserved for/ experienced by millennials. Although, I do agree that this next generation of young’uns seem particularly adept at being totally and utterly unencumbered in presenting their innermost experiences and thoughts to the world at large. So in a sense, they are refreshingly, sweetly free. Also, previous generations are quite skilled at masking and burying what they really think and feel in the name of ‘keeping up appearances’ which means oh god I guess they are super repressed. So maybe it is just us pathetic millennials who can’t er keep it in our pants? as it were…IT being surefootedness in how we choose to be in the world or not to be.
I have been diving into reading and exposure on the idea of creating anyway and doing so in the whirlwind that is life with children. This is also a concept very applicable to life without children, as we all have our highly demanding experiences that distract or detract from our joy and I don’t want to diminish anyone’s experience. I believe the truth of my evolved self that is being drawn from this time of…to put it not so lightly…total evisceration will end up in a place of such sweet beauty and being that I can’t hardly wait to embody her.
“Art is a form of nourishment (of consciousness, the spirit) ”
These words resonate with me as I have felt myself being starved of/starving myself of the essential zeitgeist that is creative production in an external capacity. Do I know what th will look like fully? No not really. I know that I do not necessarily have the time or the means to make art the way I used to. Peel back the layers of my story to when I was years younger than I am now. I was childless, working in a fabulous restaurant till late every night with my dear friends and attending art school all day long drawing and painting to my heart’s content. It was my dream and one, in my shameful moments of regret and resentment when I find myself at the end of myself in hard moments, I wish I could step back into it with every fiber of my being. We cannot go backward, and spending life looking in the rearview mirror leads only to discontent and a lack of discernment of the way things were and are.
For now, beloveds I will leave you with a glimpse at some art I made while in the stage of my life where the creation of a visual kind was my all. Currently, I am preoccupied with the creation of a ‘making and shaping a human life’ kind. It’s a good place to be all in all especially as I try to find swift moments in my day to lean a hand back on the path of my wild life to that earlier iteration of me and inch her a little closer to merge with this new me. We will find our way there one day.
Where to? Confusion (2021)
Acrylic on paper, abstract.
This piece remains one of my favourites I did from home in January 2021 when all my painting and drawing classes were remote. Obviously, it lacks skill and understanding of colour work, especially paint mixing and just even basic painting skills. However it felt like the truth of my internal reality at the time, and that means everything.