Art, where have you gone?
Welcome to month ONE BAJILLION of my creative mental block. It’s an interesting space to be in because I have not felt much inspiration in these last few years for such pursuits as creative expression but I have been trying to reach back to that part of me. For my writing self, I have been burying myself in the labours of word wielders (ooh I love this term I just thought of) with skills I aspire to and who have honestly helped me peel myself up from the pit and move towards the light. Artistic expression after becoming a mother- the love, joy, and ideas- feel like they have simply gone. Vanished into the hole inside me that is total insecurity fused with exhaustion and honestly, grief. I want to be my fullest self and embody my creative spirit but, I don’t really know who that is anymore and every time I try to just lean into the urgings that spring up from the deep well of my being I slam right into total embarrassment, fear and intrusive thought that lead to overthinking spirals of doubt.
You know the likes, I am sure we are all overly familiar with the endless loop of “I love this thing, I am going to share my love for this thing with everyone else….oh god what have I done this thing is so stupid? I am so fucking embarrassed/ashamed. What a pathetic mess and now everyone can see me I am so crap at this thing. That’s it I am NEVER doing it again.”
I have heard it recently described as ‘millennial cringe’. I enjoy that tasty morsel of a phrase even though I don’t agree that total social mortification in the face of the opening of oneself and our vulnerable thoughts to the world is strictly reserved for/ experienced by millennials. Although, I do agree that this next generation of young’uns seem particularly adept at being totally and utterly unencumbered in presenting their innermost experiences and thoughts to the world at large. So in a sense, they are refreshingly, sweetly free. Also, previous generations are quite skilled at masking and burying what they really think and feel in the name of ‘keeping up appearances’ which means oh god I guess they are super repressed. So maybe it is just us pathetic millennials who can’t er keep it in our pants? as it were…IT being surefootedness in how we choose to be in the world or not to be.
I have been diving into reading and exposure on the idea of creating anyway and doing so in the whirlwind that is life with children. This is also a concept very applicable to life without children, as we all have our highly demanding experiences that distract or detract from our joy and I don’t want to diminish anyone’s experience. I believe the truth of my evolved self that is being drawn from this time of…to put it not so lightly…total evisceration will end up in a place of such sweet beauty and being that I can’t hardly wait to embody her.
“Art is a form of nourishment (of consciousness, the spirit) ”
These words resonate with me as I have felt myself being starved of/starving myself of the essential zeitgeist that is creative production in an external capacity. Do I know what th will look like fully? No not really. I know that I do not necessarily have the time or the means to make art the way I used to. Peel back the layers of my story to when I was years younger than I am now. I was childless, working in a fabulous restaurant till late every night with my dear friends and attending art school all day long drawing and painting to my heart’s content. It was my dream and one, in my shameful moments of regret and resentment when I find myself at the end of myself in hard moments, I wish I could step back into it with every fiber of my being. We cannot go backward, and spending life looking in the rearview mirror leads only to discontent and a lack of discernment of the way things were and are.
For now, beloveds I will leave you with a glimpse at some art I made while in the stage of my life where the creation of a visual kind was my all. Currently, I am preoccupied with the creation of a ‘making and shaping a human life’ kind. It’s a good place to be all in all especially as I try to find swift moments in my day to lean a hand back on the path of my wild life to that earlier iteration of me and inch her a little closer to merge with this new me. We will find our way there one day.
Where to? Confusion (2021)
Acrylic on paper, abstract.
This piece remains one of my favourites I did from home in January 2021 when all my painting and drawing classes were remote. Obviously, it lacks skill and understanding of colour work, especially paint mixing and just even basic painting skills. However it felt like the truth of my internal reality at the time, and that means everything.
From humble beginnings
A little throwback here to the final piece I did before throwing caution to the wind and enrolling in art college. When the pandemic began in Spring of 2020 I found I had a little extra time on my hands. Not much time, as I actually worked full time through the entire pandemic when the brewery I worked at converted to takeout and remained open with a skeleton staff. Honestly THAT whole experience changed everything about my life and while it was traumatising and led to much exhaustion, tears and hurt it did spur me to radically shift the focus of my days and I went on to have the most transformative two years after that. So thanks for using and abusing me old job I guess haha just kidding I do not hold gratitude for any toxic work spaces and wish I could fix them all. It’s only now I see how I can read some good out of the self I became as a result.
So onto the art tings. I decided to do what I have always wanted to do. Go to art college :O “Mah gawd think of the college debt you fool” (my rational self cried daily). I can’t wait to write and share about the work I produced and what I learned in those challenging and stretching classes. For now here is that sweet little piece I love so dearly. I made it for friends of mine who I worked for and who will forever hold a piece of my heart. It is a quaint little breakfast spot called L Street Kitchen and if you are ever in South Bend, Indiana check it out! Family owned, true mom and pop diner style food with a warmth and authenticity that made me happily (and sometimes grumpily) wake up at 6am working double shifts for years in rain, sun and snow to get that life-giving coffee pot a-brewing for the good people of our community. I miss it, and them, now that I no longer live there.
This piece was done in acrylics and melted crayon. There are so…so many issues with the painting now that I have the understanding of the fundamentals of image composition and colour but I do like the idea and melted crayon art is one of my fun ways of making that I always love how it turns out. I also appreciate how much I have improved, I can’t believe it.
Kingfisher at Sunset
Getting back into creating art has been a tough one for me. I am starting off with sharing my first piece for the month of June (the year starts in June right?) even though I said I would do one art thingymabob a month this site just launched so I do not feel like playing catchup :)
I am not sure how I would categorise my style of making I suppose I let my brain cook up a feeling or play around with an idea and then I just go for it. Sometimes it works out sometimes not.
This was a fun and challenging return to painting. Lots of blues and textures that were hard to convey, wetness and feathers and impermeable bird colouring which is a lot of the same colour in different shades. A LOT. Spent about a week on it and am happy with the result. I am not really sure yet what else to write as I don’t usually share art publicly so bear with me and these growing pains as I figure out snappy, engaging quips to write.
