AWOL
It has certainly been a while my darlings hasn’t it. I am afraid I came to a complete halt with writing/reading/creating in general at the end of April due to experiencing debilitating carpal tunnel as a result of entering my third trimester of pregnancy. Sadly anything involving wrist action (eh hey you….you get yer mind out of the gutter alrighty this is a ‘family’ business ‘ere :P ) was off the table. Doing anything beyond working and keeping my fluid filled ankles elevated when not at work was a no go. Basically I was a useless blob until my baby was born, carrying the pain and swelling away as her teeny body exited ma shocked, sweaty and split wide open one.
So it has been a helluva couple months; the old me feels completely lost and bound up in this maelstrom of physical and emotional rewriting of the self. Finding the time to return to the activities that bring me joy has been…difficult to say the least. Today*** is my 32nd birthday so I thought perhaps I shall attempt to write a little something, to feel a connection to the me of old and to encourage myself on my path to creating space for balance in my life as a new mama. I am sitting in Starbucks drinking my free birthday frappucino milkshakey comfort beverage and allowing my mind to traipse languidly through all the memories of birthdays past and just feel so viscerally the bizarre passing of time. My daughter (AYY it’s still weird to say that) is dozing in her pram after drinking some good-good milk from my body and I can’t believe it’s been almost two months since she waltzed her way into this earthly plain. I am both overcome with the love/grief for the impermanence of my teacup human’s babyhood but also exhausted by the concept of a forever of mothering and what it means for my identity which let’s be honest up till this point in my life still has no concept of who it really is.
With that being said, I hope I can find a way through the deep well of this season to the rich source of my selfhood and I can begin to embody me once more. Not only, however, the old me because I have been many selves and free fallen through many iterations of ‘I AM’ statements and, well I want something more than that. I want to really engage with what all of life is offering, to greet both the dark and the dawn me and sip tea with them as we reflect on where this life has come from and how we want it to go onwards. I am hoping there will be lots of silly dancing, yummy foods, tears and big emotions, moments to grow in, rainfall, nose kisses and nature. You know, just the usual stuff of the sublime life.
See you shortly beloveds.
***I wrote this post on the 12th which is actually my birthday but forgot to hit publish because mama brain so hence why it’s a day late lol
