Reading my way out of the bog
As I sit here attempting to remain true to my commitment to post AT LEAST once a week I hear the eloquent screeches of a baby pterodactyl being unleashed through the thin walls that separate this office and the teacup human’s abode. Having a child really robs you of your free time. I thought this was just something other parents made up to make us non-childbearing people tip our hats to them and acknowledge they will always have it harder but goddammit children really throttle your social and personal life. They got us in a chokehold and there is literally nothing you can do about it. *laughs nervously while looking around for an escape hatch*
Reads
Am I the only one who is exhausted…like bone tired at the constant self-branding, promotion and monetisation that weaves it’s way into everything these days? I re-downloaded Instagram a few weeks ago while my husband was travelling for work. I had a weird ‘naughty me’ energy with that decision which I will now of course spend weeks obsessing over and self-analysing. I digress. In the three days (month -___-) I was back online it totally sucked on my soul until I felt spent, angry, massively depressed and I began to obsess over how my life is a complete and utter failure. The noise was obnoxious and the comparisonitis a disease. I don’t want to bandy on too much about the old days of social media and how much I miss that. What I am really curious about is how we have been changed as a species, irrevocably, by the merging of profit and personhood in our current era of online evolution.
This article on Vox, Everyone’s a sellout now, is a fantastic read that articulates far better than me exactly what is draining my life force these days. I am curious to see how generations approach this movement differently. Sometimes I feel like I have my head totally buried in the sand and, I kind of like that.
“Yet what they best represent is the current state of art, where artists must skillfully package themselves as products for buyers to consume.”
Bants
Here’s a photo from a time I often refer to as ‘the good ole days’. I miss those ‘easier’ seasons especially while I am now in the thick of hardship. It’s challenging really for someone like me- a nostalgic romanticist with an overactive imagination and depressive mood swings- to not live my life with my eyes in the rearview mirror. Ye all know I am not shy when it comes to talking (joking) about how I am struggling mentally, emotionally and all the -allys you can think of pretty much. It has been one thing after another with debt, the inability to thrive in an outrageously priced location, car troubles, career doors slamming shut, loneliness in parenthood, failed attempts at a date night without le bebe etc. etc. Things are really very hard right now and it is so easy to get lost in the shite. I found this sweet little TED video on the history of Nostalgia. I never knew the etymology and to know it now, ‘homecoming’ ‘longing’, I feel a fissure in me cracking further open in response. As someone who emigrated from their home and will likely never return permanently, this is something I feel with a depth that can’t be spoken to.
Currently I am on a galactic search for things that can keep me going in this challenging time, one of the toughest I have faced yet. Happily taking recommendations if you dear readers have any to pass along. I hope that if you are reading this and you are firmly being pulled under by the bog, led in by the pooka of false promises I assure you that you are not alone. I hold you aloft, I hope you hold me.
Eats
I have had parentals-in-law visiting for the past week so am ALL OUT OF MY ROUTINES. This has not boded-bided? bidden?- well for my mental health which needs predictable structured daily tasks to feel purposeful and a sense of control and calm. Something to do with growing up in chaos and childhood trauma connected to lack of structure or whatever but basically it means I don’t always handle non-predictable activity well. Weirdly though I do love a little bit of spontaneity it all really depends on how my inner state is doing. Right now, she is not too good, but it’s ok I’m just taking it as it comes.
So here is my recipe for
Emotionally Regulating Banana Bread
Pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees farenheit or 175ish degrees celcius.
4 overripe bananas-most recipes call for three but I found one that lowers the sugar and ups the ‘naner count (buh-naner that is). If you don’t have that many just do three and increase which sugar by half a cup. Mash in a bowl and set aside.
1/4 cup white suga and 1/4 cup brown suga. Mix in large bowl with 1/2 cup (8 tablespoons) of melted Irish butter. Mine is usually rock hard out of the fridge so I melt it in a pan and then of course it’s just a bitch to clean but whatever.
Add two eggs and 1 teaspoon vanilla essence into mix. Honestly I do not know what the point of vanilla essence is…it always seems like such a tiny amount in the big whole bake and it never tastes like vanilla but seems like it’s much important for the whole shebang so I just do it anyways. At this point in time I hope my little sister-who is a professional baker-reaches out to me to educate me because she is amazing I bow to her superior knowledge and I know I could potentially be blaspheming here.
Add mashed bananas and mix her up nice. Apparently, you are supposed to sift your flour in….I have never done that lol so anyway dump 1 and a half cups of flour, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1/2 teaspoon baking powder and some salt as you please in. Now fold it all with a spatula shaped object so basically instead of mixing (I think) you turn the mixture in the bowl slowly until it’s all combined. This is where I feel like I could seriously do well on the Great British Bake Off (Great British Baking Show for my americano friends). Fold in 3/4 cup of chocolate chips or basically a heck of a lot. I have substituted the chips for blueberries on the occasion I want to feel fancy.
Pour into your pan. Add 1/4 cup of chocolate chips into your mouth and 1/4 cup on top of the mixture for decoration :D I bake for around 50 minutes, do the fancy clean knife trick where I stab it and if the knife comes out clean it’s good but if not, I bake for ten more minutes.
Let it cool for approximately 4 minutes (if you are me and want hot snacks now) or I suppose 20 if you are one of those people who have self-control. Finish the banana bread in one day and feel happy about life.
The end.
This week has been hard. Here’s hoping the next is better.